Blah? YES, Blah...

Well as i am sitting here at work trying to concentrate on work, my mind keeps racing with all sorts of things...random thought, different doubts, personal things, church things, work stuff...then there is a thought that keeps jumping and yelling saying, "Make this a blog entry", so here it goes. You may want to sit back and buckle up not sure what's going to happen so hold on tight it might be a bumpy ride!

I guess I will start with church. For the last several months I have really been struggling with a lot of things when it comes to church, it is like I have lost my desire to go to church and I look for the littlest excuse to get out of going. I have also been struggling with getting up and bearing my testimony in Sacarment on Fast Sundays. The last few months I have felt the Spiritual urge to get up and bear my testimony, it was so strong once that I thought I felt my spiritual body stand up and walk up, but my physical side is just not willing at all. I just feel like I am in a spritual funk. I think that part of it is caused from the ward spliting and the lack of reverence that we now have in sacrament meeting. Yesterday was Fast Sunday and we had a plan to take over the meeting and fill it with "TRUE" testimonies, Carla got up and was the first person to bear her testimony and it was pure, simple, and full of the Spirit. I knew that I need to get up but I didn't, I just sat there and listened to the next person and felt like I was in a downward spiral. Occasionally there was a glimmer of light and hope in what someone said but I still just sat there resisting the prompting to get up. Why didn't I get up there and bear my testimony...I have no idea. I do know that after the meeting was over I sat there and beat myself up for not doing it like I do every month. Then I take a step bakc and realize that I keep caving in and letting Satan win the fight. This isn't how the Savior wants me to feel it is how Satan wants me to feel. Then what do I do...I get even madder at myself for being so weak and blind to the cunning deceptions of the adversary.

A couple of weeks ago I decided that it was time to start reading the scriptures again (it only lasted one day...another issue to get down on myself about) and as I was reading about how rebalious Nephi's older brothers were after having an Angel of the Lord appear to them and still they did the things they did, I thought, "What a couple of idiots!" Why do you act that way after seing an Angel and hearing what they heard? Then it hit me yesterday, I am one of those IDIOTS! Although I haven't had an Angel appear to me, I have had mirracles happen in my life and events that make me know beyond a shodow of a doubt that this church is true, yet I still sit there and struggle. I feel like in the big picture of life I am losing the battle, almost like I am sitting there drowning in an ocean of doubt and self-pity. Yet I have the answers sitting right there in front of me. What do I need to do? Stop procrastinating and making excuses to not read the scriptures, to not have family prayer, to not have Family Home Evening, to not attend the temple, to not go to church, and JUST do it. You know, get back to the basics, the simple little things. I know it is overwhelming to think about where to start so it is easy to just not change but I have to just take it one step and one day at a time. I can't look at the whole picture otherwise I just feel like a failure. Like I have failed in everything. I know that if I just do it one thing at a time and add upon it everything else will fall into place. Not only do I need the basics but so does my family. With out the basics as the foundation nothing else will be able to be built upon it.

I also need to stop the self-pity and the "why me" syndrome. There are times when I am driving home from work and trying to destress and it just hits me. I feel like just crying. I've decided that it is ok to feel like this occasionally but not on a regular basis. It seems like when I start feeling like this it is usually when I start having a "why me" moment. It seems like in my life (my perception at least) that I am always the "strong" person for everyone, I am the one that everyone calls to dump on and to to try to solve their life problems. And I always listen and am always there. I am always the one to call and check up on how people are doing when I think about them and to lift their spirits but where are my "strong" people. When am I going to be the one that someone calls up to check on and to let me vent and get it all out...see told it was a why me moment. This usually leads me to thinking about all the "strong people" I had in my life that have now passed away and leaves me feeling lonely. Then I get hard on myself for feeling like this because I know it isn't the way it is, I have "strong" people in my life that I can call on, but it is me, I don't want to feel like I am bothering them or an inconvience to them so I just hold it in. I know now that I am typing this how unhealthy that is and sounds....I am a walking time bomb...no wonder I go off at the simpliest things. scary.

I know what I need to do, I now just need to do it. I need a complete change of heart. Can I do it? Yes! Is it going to be easy? NO! But it will definately be worth it. I can't wait to see how this game of life plays out...thanks for playing it with me.