Well here I am sitting at the computer and just sent off my weekly emails and letters the missionaries that use to be in my Deacon's Quroum. It is crazy to think that they are really that grown up and out in the mission field. There are a lot of them out there right now and they are such great examples. You got to love technology, I already got an email back from one of them. As I read his letter I started to think about how nice it would be if there were emails in Heaven. How cool would it be to wake up one morning and just have a random email from a loved one that has passed on to the other side. It would definitely be a shock but so awesome at the same time. I sure do miss them. This time of year always makes it a little harder.
I can't believe CHristmas is less than a week away. 22 years ago last week Carla and I started dating. What a milestone in our relationship. She has definitely given me the most memories and I cherish them, and her.
Well that all I got this time!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Yes, it is August...
I am always glad when August comes around, it means that July is over. July is a hard month for me emotionally, it is the month that my Grandma Hamilton passed away as well as her birthday month. Her birthday was this past Sunday and as I woke up I used the early morning alone time to get out my scrapbook and look at what few pictures I have of her. This year I decided to read a letter that my Grandpa Hamilton wrote me about a month after she passed away. I hadn't read the letter since the first time I read it, a little over 22 years ago. As I read it all the same emotions and feelings I had back then came flooding back and I could remember everything surrounding him writing me. I just sat there with his letter in one hand and a picture of her in the other. I miss both of them greatly. It made me think how different our family would be if they were still around. How much stronger would our extended family bond be if they were still here as the glue holding us all together. Then it also makes me think about how little time I spend with my one grandpa I have left on this earth. I wish there was a pause life button that I could push just to enjoy those passing precious moments.
Not all of July is sad and depressing. I love the 4th of July, it is one of my favorite holidays, maybe that is because you get to light fireworks. What boy doesn't love blowing things up and lighting explosives. This year we had a good time with some old friends, some new friends, and some family, oh and of course a bunch of "illegal" fireworks. July also marks the traditional scout summer camp season. This year I was able to go back to Circle X Ranch at Big Horn in Lake Arrowhead, CA with the deacons from our ward. Although I wasn't able to make it up the full week, I was able to get up there by dinner on Wednesday night and stay up till Saturday afternoon when it was time to bring 'em home. This year I was able to take Aaron up with me since his camp was over. It was great to be able to spend some father son bonding time with him. We had some good conversations when we were alone together on the ride up and a lot of laughs together through out the week. I love that kid! He is such an awesome young man. On the last night at camp the staff up there put on a big campfire with skits, songs, and a slide show. As part of it they have all the Eagle Scouts get on stage in a big line and they each take a turn stating their full name, troop, city, and the date they became an Eagle. As Aaron was standing there in the line I thought that this is what it is all about, all the hard work in the scouting program all leads up to moments like this, it was the first time I saw him in this line up and heard him say it. I will admit it hit me and I got teary eyed. I am so proud of him! IN a blink of an eye he will be standing in the Temple, and then I will be hugging him outside of the MTC. Where is that pause button!!!!! In a day and age when most parents are wishing and waiting for the day to come so they can get ride of their kids and kick them out, I am wishing and wanting time to stand still so I can have them longer. I love my kids, my wife, my family, and of course, my friends!
Not all of July is sad and depressing. I love the 4th of July, it is one of my favorite holidays, maybe that is because you get to light fireworks. What boy doesn't love blowing things up and lighting explosives. This year we had a good time with some old friends, some new friends, and some family, oh and of course a bunch of "illegal" fireworks. July also marks the traditional scout summer camp season. This year I was able to go back to Circle X Ranch at Big Horn in Lake Arrowhead, CA with the deacons from our ward. Although I wasn't able to make it up the full week, I was able to get up there by dinner on Wednesday night and stay up till Saturday afternoon when it was time to bring 'em home. This year I was able to take Aaron up with me since his camp was over. It was great to be able to spend some father son bonding time with him. We had some good conversations when we were alone together on the ride up and a lot of laughs together through out the week. I love that kid! He is such an awesome young man. On the last night at camp the staff up there put on a big campfire with skits, songs, and a slide show. As part of it they have all the Eagle Scouts get on stage in a big line and they each take a turn stating their full name, troop, city, and the date they became an Eagle. As Aaron was standing there in the line I thought that this is what it is all about, all the hard work in the scouting program all leads up to moments like this, it was the first time I saw him in this line up and heard him say it. I will admit it hit me and I got teary eyed. I am so proud of him! IN a blink of an eye he will be standing in the Temple, and then I will be hugging him outside of the MTC. Where is that pause button!!!!! In a day and age when most parents are wishing and waiting for the day to come so they can get ride of their kids and kick them out, I am wishing and wanting time to stand still so I can have them longer. I love my kids, my wife, my family, and of course, my friends!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Journaling...
OK I have never been very good or faithful at keeping a journal. Even on my mission I wasn't good at it and that is the biggest regret I have from my mission, not keeping a better journal. Well as I was reading my Patriarchial Blessing one of the thiungs it told me to do was to keep a journal. So it has been weighing heavily on my mind lately that I need to start keeping a better journal. Since I already have this blog going, I thought I may as well use it as my journal. So as boring as it is my life story will be here on this blog. I will still try to post the funny things on here but at the sametime there may be some serious posts as well.
So this last week went by pretty quick. Makenzie graduated 5th grade on Wednesday. She is a good kid, she is turning into a beautiful young lady. Her personality is really starting to shine and she is a lot of fun. I really enjoy how her and Aaron have grown closer over the last few months. They are always teaming up against me and running to each others defense when we are goofing off. Thursday was the last day of this school year...I can't believe that I have a Sophmore, a 6th grader, and a 3rd grader. Three kids in three different schools. The next time I have two kids at the same school will be when Makenzie is a Senior and Alexa is a Freshman. I am not sure I will be able to handle that! Then I think about handling it when Alexa graduates 5th grade...that same year Makenzie will leave Jr. High and Aaron will graduate High School. That one will be a hard one for me. Aaron graduating high school...that will mean his mission will be less than a year away when he graduates. (My eyes are already tearing up thinking about this.) I love my kids so much. They mean everything to me. I know that I am not always the best example or father to them, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do anything in the world for them. They are such a great example to me in my life. In fact, as I look around my office at work, I am surrounded by them, their art work, pictures, and letters. I have a letter that Makenzie wrote me hanging next to my computer screen, it helps me get through my day everytime I read it. It says,
"Dear Dad, You are the best. I love you. I love when you make me dinner and when you hold me. Your the best. I love you. Love Makenzie"
It is hard to believe that they grow up so fast in front of your eyes and you really don't even realize it. Before I know it they will all be gone out of the house and living their own lives. I hope that I will be able to instill in them the things they need to survive in this world on their own. I love each one of them dearly and individually. They each have their own unique place in my heart and they will always be my sweet little babies.
So this last week went by pretty quick. Makenzie graduated 5th grade on Wednesday. She is a good kid, she is turning into a beautiful young lady. Her personality is really starting to shine and she is a lot of fun. I really enjoy how her and Aaron have grown closer over the last few months. They are always teaming up against me and running to each others defense when we are goofing off. Thursday was the last day of this school year...I can't believe that I have a Sophmore, a 6th grader, and a 3rd grader. Three kids in three different schools. The next time I have two kids at the same school will be when Makenzie is a Senior and Alexa is a Freshman. I am not sure I will be able to handle that! Then I think about handling it when Alexa graduates 5th grade...that same year Makenzie will leave Jr. High and Aaron will graduate High School. That one will be a hard one for me. Aaron graduating high school...that will mean his mission will be less than a year away when he graduates. (My eyes are already tearing up thinking about this.) I love my kids so much. They mean everything to me. I know that I am not always the best example or father to them, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do anything in the world for them. They are such a great example to me in my life. In fact, as I look around my office at work, I am surrounded by them, their art work, pictures, and letters. I have a letter that Makenzie wrote me hanging next to my computer screen, it helps me get through my day everytime I read it. It says,
"Dear Dad, You are the best. I love you. I love when you make me dinner and when you hold me. Your the best. I love you. Love Makenzie"
It is hard to believe that they grow up so fast in front of your eyes and you really don't even realize it. Before I know it they will all be gone out of the house and living their own lives. I hope that I will be able to instill in them the things they need to survive in this world on their own. I love each one of them dearly and individually. They each have their own unique place in my heart and they will always be my sweet little babies.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Brighter day...
Well after I wrote that last post yesterday morning, early in the morning. I spent the rest of the day thinking and pondering as I worked. I realized that I needed to not only write what I did but I also needed to act upon it. So I yesterday I sent a text to my family informing them that we would be having Family Home Evening last night at 7pm. Funny side note...When Aaron got home Carla was making homemade lasagna for dinner (it was amazing by the way) and he looked at her and said, "Are we moving?" I guess between Carla cooking and me text about FHE he thought something big/bad was about to happen. So a little after 7 last night we had FHE. It was a simple lesson and it was great to be together as a family and talk about the gospel. We even made assignments for next week. It was a great way to end the day, even the wrestling match at the end was great. It was fun to just be a family without the contention and fighting.
I also got out my Patriarchial Blessing and read it (there is a cool app out for all you iPhone owners that lets you type in your blessing and then it highlights all the words in it that have a scriptural references so you can click on it and it takes you to the reference. Don't worry it also has a password protection so no one else can get in and read it.). It was wierd to read it and see all of the similarities in my blessing and how I am feeling and where I am in my life. It is seriously a road map for my life made specifically for me by my Heavenly Father. I am glad that I have it in my phone now so I can read it more regularly and have it with me at all times (I never go anywhere without my phone). I am a firm believer that if you haven't already received your patriarchial blessing then you need to.
Glad for today and the new beginning it brings.
I also got out my Patriarchial Blessing and read it (there is a cool app out for all you iPhone owners that lets you type in your blessing and then it highlights all the words in it that have a scriptural references so you can click on it and it takes you to the reference. Don't worry it also has a password protection so no one else can get in and read it.). It was wierd to read it and see all of the similarities in my blessing and how I am feeling and where I am in my life. It is seriously a road map for my life made specifically for me by my Heavenly Father. I am glad that I have it in my phone now so I can read it more regularly and have it with me at all times (I never go anywhere without my phone). I am a firm believer that if you haven't already received your patriarchial blessing then you need to.
Glad for today and the new beginning it brings.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Blah? YES, Blah...
Well as i am sitting here at work trying to concentrate on work, my mind keeps racing with all sorts of things...random thought, different doubts, personal things, church things, work stuff...then there is a thought that keeps jumping and yelling saying, "Make this a blog entry", so here it goes. You may want to sit back and buckle up not sure what's going to happen so hold on tight it might be a bumpy ride!
I guess I will start with church. For the last several months I have really been struggling with a lot of things when it comes to church, it is like I have lost my desire to go to church and I look for the littlest excuse to get out of going. I have also been struggling with getting up and bearing my testimony in Sacarment on Fast Sundays. The last few months I have felt the Spiritual urge to get up and bear my testimony, it was so strong once that I thought I felt my spiritual body stand up and walk up, but my physical side is just not willing at all. I just feel like I am in a spritual funk. I think that part of it is caused from the ward spliting and the lack of reverence that we now have in sacrament meeting. Yesterday was Fast Sunday and we had a plan to take over the meeting and fill it with "TRUE" testimonies, Carla got up and was the first person to bear her testimony and it was pure, simple, and full of the Spirit. I knew that I need to get up but I didn't, I just sat there and listened to the next person and felt like I was in a downward spiral. Occasionally there was a glimmer of light and hope in what someone said but I still just sat there resisting the prompting to get up. Why didn't I get up there and bear my testimony...I have no idea. I do know that after the meeting was over I sat there and beat myself up for not doing it like I do every month. Then I take a step bakc and realize that I keep caving in and letting Satan win the fight. This isn't how the Savior wants me to feel it is how Satan wants me to feel. Then what do I do...I get even madder at myself for being so weak and blind to the cunning deceptions of the adversary.
A couple of weeks ago I decided that it was time to start reading the scriptures again (it only lasted one day...another issue to get down on myself about) and as I was reading about how rebalious Nephi's older brothers were after having an Angel of the Lord appear to them and still they did the things they did, I thought, "What a couple of idiots!" Why do you act that way after seing an Angel and hearing what they heard? Then it hit me yesterday, I am one of those IDIOTS! Although I haven't had an Angel appear to me, I have had mirracles happen in my life and events that make me know beyond a shodow of a doubt that this church is true, yet I still sit there and struggle. I feel like in the big picture of life I am losing the battle, almost like I am sitting there drowning in an ocean of doubt and self-pity. Yet I have the answers sitting right there in front of me. What do I need to do? Stop procrastinating and making excuses to not read the scriptures, to not have family prayer, to not have Family Home Evening, to not attend the temple, to not go to church, and JUST do it. You know, get back to the basics, the simple little things. I know it is overwhelming to think about where to start so it is easy to just not change but I have to just take it one step and one day at a time. I can't look at the whole picture otherwise I just feel like a failure. Like I have failed in everything. I know that if I just do it one thing at a time and add upon it everything else will fall into place. Not only do I need the basics but so does my family. With out the basics as the foundation nothing else will be able to be built upon it.
I also need to stop the self-pity and the "why me" syndrome. There are times when I am driving home from work and trying to destress and it just hits me. I feel like just crying. I've decided that it is ok to feel like this occasionally but not on a regular basis. It seems like when I start feeling like this it is usually when I start having a "why me" moment. It seems like in my life (my perception at least) that I am always the "strong" person for everyone, I am the one that everyone calls to dump on and to to try to solve their life problems. And I always listen and am always there. I am always the one to call and check up on how people are doing when I think about them and to lift their spirits but where are my "strong" people. When am I going to be the one that someone calls up to check on and to let me vent and get it all out...see told it was a why me moment. This usually leads me to thinking about all the "strong people" I had in my life that have now passed away and leaves me feeling lonely. Then I get hard on myself for feeling like this because I know it isn't the way it is, I have "strong" people in my life that I can call on, but it is me, I don't want to feel like I am bothering them or an inconvience to them so I just hold it in. I know now that I am typing this how unhealthy that is and sounds....I am a walking time bomb...no wonder I go off at the simpliest things. scary.
I know what I need to do, I now just need to do it. I need a complete change of heart. Can I do it? Yes! Is it going to be easy? NO! But it will definately be worth it. I can't wait to see how this game of life plays out...thanks for playing it with me.
I guess I will start with church. For the last several months I have really been struggling with a lot of things when it comes to church, it is like I have lost my desire to go to church and I look for the littlest excuse to get out of going. I have also been struggling with getting up and bearing my testimony in Sacarment on Fast Sundays. The last few months I have felt the Spiritual urge to get up and bear my testimony, it was so strong once that I thought I felt my spiritual body stand up and walk up, but my physical side is just not willing at all. I just feel like I am in a spritual funk. I think that part of it is caused from the ward spliting and the lack of reverence that we now have in sacrament meeting. Yesterday was Fast Sunday and we had a plan to take over the meeting and fill it with "TRUE" testimonies, Carla got up and was the first person to bear her testimony and it was pure, simple, and full of the Spirit. I knew that I need to get up but I didn't, I just sat there and listened to the next person and felt like I was in a downward spiral. Occasionally there was a glimmer of light and hope in what someone said but I still just sat there resisting the prompting to get up. Why didn't I get up there and bear my testimony...I have no idea. I do know that after the meeting was over I sat there and beat myself up for not doing it like I do every month. Then I take a step bakc and realize that I keep caving in and letting Satan win the fight. This isn't how the Savior wants me to feel it is how Satan wants me to feel. Then what do I do...I get even madder at myself for being so weak and blind to the cunning deceptions of the adversary.
A couple of weeks ago I decided that it was time to start reading the scriptures again (it only lasted one day...another issue to get down on myself about) and as I was reading about how rebalious Nephi's older brothers were after having an Angel of the Lord appear to them and still they did the things they did, I thought, "What a couple of idiots!" Why do you act that way after seing an Angel and hearing what they heard? Then it hit me yesterday, I am one of those IDIOTS! Although I haven't had an Angel appear to me, I have had mirracles happen in my life and events that make me know beyond a shodow of a doubt that this church is true, yet I still sit there and struggle. I feel like in the big picture of life I am losing the battle, almost like I am sitting there drowning in an ocean of doubt and self-pity. Yet I have the answers sitting right there in front of me. What do I need to do? Stop procrastinating and making excuses to not read the scriptures, to not have family prayer, to not have Family Home Evening, to not attend the temple, to not go to church, and JUST do it. You know, get back to the basics, the simple little things. I know it is overwhelming to think about where to start so it is easy to just not change but I have to just take it one step and one day at a time. I can't look at the whole picture otherwise I just feel like a failure. Like I have failed in everything. I know that if I just do it one thing at a time and add upon it everything else will fall into place. Not only do I need the basics but so does my family. With out the basics as the foundation nothing else will be able to be built upon it.
I also need to stop the self-pity and the "why me" syndrome. There are times when I am driving home from work and trying to destress and it just hits me. I feel like just crying. I've decided that it is ok to feel like this occasionally but not on a regular basis. It seems like when I start feeling like this it is usually when I start having a "why me" moment. It seems like in my life (my perception at least) that I am always the "strong" person for everyone, I am the one that everyone calls to dump on and to to try to solve their life problems. And I always listen and am always there. I am always the one to call and check up on how people are doing when I think about them and to lift their spirits but where are my "strong" people. When am I going to be the one that someone calls up to check on and to let me vent and get it all out...see told it was a why me moment. This usually leads me to thinking about all the "strong people" I had in my life that have now passed away and leaves me feeling lonely. Then I get hard on myself for feeling like this because I know it isn't the way it is, I have "strong" people in my life that I can call on, but it is me, I don't want to feel like I am bothering them or an inconvience to them so I just hold it in. I know now that I am typing this how unhealthy that is and sounds....I am a walking time bomb...no wonder I go off at the simpliest things. scary.
I know what I need to do, I now just need to do it. I need a complete change of heart. Can I do it? Yes! Is it going to be easy? NO! But it will definately be worth it. I can't wait to see how this game of life plays out...thanks for playing it with me.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Remembering a legend...
Well yesterday came and past and I handled it pretty well. Looking back I think it was because I kept myself very busy with Mother Day's Festivities. Now that those are all over with I guess my mind now has time to reflect and remember.
Most of the times when you hear men talk about their mother-in-laws it is usually in a negative light and she is usually the butt of a joke or a sarcastic comment. Well that is definitely not the case for me. I really truly loved (and still do love) my mother-in-law, Adelle. She was an amazing woman. It was hard for me to come to grips with the fact that yesterday marked her 8th year leaving this mortal existence. I remember that day so vividly in my mind like it was yesterday. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and then others it feels like it has been like an eternity. I find myself missing her more and more as time goes by, and at the most random moments. Like when we are pulling out of the garage all loaded up for a family vacation (she went with us on every vacation. It was so much fun having her with us.), as I pass a certain gas station on our way to California (even though we only stopped there once with and never stopped there again), when I open the fridge and see leftovers (she always cooked enough for leftovers so I could stop by and visit and eat), and when I need someone to vent to about my wife (not that that happens very often...I love you honey!) She was always there to listen and give advice, and who better to go to for advice on my wife than her, after all she did raise her.
I miss all of our crazy random adventures. She was always thinking of different ideas to try whether it was changing a recipe around to taste different, a new home improvement project, building some gadget, making a quilt, or rearranging the furniture. She always had a way of talking me into helping her. She also had a great sense of humor and would always laugh at the pranks that were pulled on her, some of them took her a little longer to calm down from and laugh than others.
I miss hearing her talk and say weird sayings like mash on the horn, cut on the lights, and of course the ever popular, "It takes intelligence to get me upset and Chuckie, you ain't got a chance!" Then there are the list of my favorite words to get her to say because no matter how many times she said them or how slowly she tried to pronounce them she couldn't do it like tournament (she'd say tuna-mint), temperature (she'd say tempa-ra-tour), and my favorite burrito (she'd say burr-rit-toe).
I think that for me what is the hardest besides her not being here for me is the fact that not all of my kids got to know her and make lasting memories with and of her. Aaron was 7 and has the best memories with her. He was her little sidekick and was already to go and do whatever she had planned. In the weeks prior to her passing he would want to miss school and spend the day with her helping her with anything she needed. We would occasionally cave and let him miss school and stay with her. The two of them would stay in bed all day watching the Food Network and talking about what they should try to make next. Makenzie was only 3 and remembers some things but not a lot. She remembers being around her and who she was. Then there is Alexa, Carla was 5 months pregnant with Alexa when her Mom passed away. Alexa was the only one of our kids that didn't meet her in this earth life. She was the first birth that she wasn't physically standing in the room when they were born. Then again Alexa came to us via C-Section so Adelle wouldn't have been allowed in the operating room (well there would have been a long heated talk between the two of us and in my version I would win and be in the O.R. and in her version she would have been in the O.R.) as a mortal person which makes Alexa special, because she was the only one of our kids that had her Nana there Spiritually standing helping, watching, and encouraging her into mortality.
I am so grateful that I am privileged enough to be able to call you Mom. I love you! I am so thankful for the knowledge that the Plan of Salvation gives me to know that we will be reunited again one day. Until that glorious day comes, you will be missed.
I love you Mom!
Most of the times when you hear men talk about their mother-in-laws it is usually in a negative light and she is usually the butt of a joke or a sarcastic comment. Well that is definitely not the case for me. I really truly loved (and still do love) my mother-in-law, Adelle. She was an amazing woman. It was hard for me to come to grips with the fact that yesterday marked her 8th year leaving this mortal existence. I remember that day so vividly in my mind like it was yesterday. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and then others it feels like it has been like an eternity. I find myself missing her more and more as time goes by, and at the most random moments. Like when we are pulling out of the garage all loaded up for a family vacation (she went with us on every vacation. It was so much fun having her with us.), as I pass a certain gas station on our way to California (even though we only stopped there once with and never stopped there again), when I open the fridge and see leftovers (she always cooked enough for leftovers so I could stop by and visit and eat), and when I need someone to vent to about my wife (not that that happens very often...I love you honey!) She was always there to listen and give advice, and who better to go to for advice on my wife than her, after all she did raise her.
I miss all of our crazy random adventures. She was always thinking of different ideas to try whether it was changing a recipe around to taste different, a new home improvement project, building some gadget, making a quilt, or rearranging the furniture. She always had a way of talking me into helping her. She also had a great sense of humor and would always laugh at the pranks that were pulled on her, some of them took her a little longer to calm down from and laugh than others.
I miss hearing her talk and say weird sayings like mash on the horn, cut on the lights, and of course the ever popular, "It takes intelligence to get me upset and Chuckie, you ain't got a chance!" Then there are the list of my favorite words to get her to say because no matter how many times she said them or how slowly she tried to pronounce them she couldn't do it like tournament (she'd say tuna-mint), temperature (she'd say tempa-ra-tour), and my favorite burrito (she'd say burr-rit-toe).
I think that for me what is the hardest besides her not being here for me is the fact that not all of my kids got to know her and make lasting memories with and of her. Aaron was 7 and has the best memories with her. He was her little sidekick and was already to go and do whatever she had planned. In the weeks prior to her passing he would want to miss school and spend the day with her helping her with anything she needed. We would occasionally cave and let him miss school and stay with her. The two of them would stay in bed all day watching the Food Network and talking about what they should try to make next. Makenzie was only 3 and remembers some things but not a lot. She remembers being around her and who she was. Then there is Alexa, Carla was 5 months pregnant with Alexa when her Mom passed away. Alexa was the only one of our kids that didn't meet her in this earth life. She was the first birth that she wasn't physically standing in the room when they were born. Then again Alexa came to us via C-Section so Adelle wouldn't have been allowed in the operating room (well there would have been a long heated talk between the two of us and in my version I would win and be in the O.R. and in her version she would have been in the O.R.) as a mortal person which makes Alexa special, because she was the only one of our kids that had her Nana there Spiritually standing helping, watching, and encouraging her into mortality.
I am so grateful that I am privileged enough to be able to call you Mom. I love you! I am so thankful for the knowledge that the Plan of Salvation gives me to know that we will be reunited again one day. Until that glorious day comes, you will be missed.
I love you Mom!
Friday, April 29, 2011
VOTE NOW...
Ok listen up everyone....you need to click the link and go and vote for Chicken Bonz for the Best Wings in Vegas. It isn't that hard so just go and do it...it won't take you that long either.
http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/questionnaires/2011/2011-weekly-awards/
Have fun and thanks for voting!!!!
http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/questionnaires/2011/2011-weekly-awards/
Have fun and thanks for voting!!!!
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